I love you, but I can’t tell you

…because I love my husband

…because you seem to want to please your wife

…because I don’t know how you feel about me

 

…if you do feel anything about me, that is

…if I think you’re just a pushover to your wife, that is

…if you think it’s not worth rocking the boat, that is.

 

I thought I’ve gotten over you

Not having seen you for more than a month

But I’m surprised at myself yesterday, ’til now

To say I love you to you still. In my mind and heart.

 

Why…?

Why do you still invade my mind and heart

Despite all the distractions in my life

You are something else.

Morning after-sex

Problems or no

my libido

knows not the word “No”.

I have died everyday waiting for you

The chorus strikes me. It’s insane to think that I’m feeling this for someone I barely know and have been with. It’s been painful since I last saw him. The distance hurts like hell. It’s the first time I’m experiencing this. Logic simply disappeared.

Time will tell if all the lyrics in the chorus will come true for me. Or will my feelings simply disappear one of these days?

 

“A Thousand Years”
By Christina Perri

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone?
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Today was just …

Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. I hate days like today, because they remind me of the one thing I don’t have.

While I’m doing my time report at work, I check my mailbox to help me remember the work I’ve done. And I got to relive those three days when I met and got to know Mr. Soul Mate Maybe.

I’m hurting inside, tears welling in my eyes. I’ve been thinking about him non-stop since yesterday. I really, really miss him.

It’s a few days short of a month since I met him. Can I wait for months, or years, for him? Do I wait? When will this yearning stop? Is this love or infatuation?

I think it’s love. I know how infatuation is. I felt that when I had a crush on a college teacher when I was a student. But I had no thoughts of turning it into a relationship with my teacher. What’s similar is that I researched about him, tried to know much about him, and even called him after I’ve graduated. It was plain and simple admiration, though. I wasn’t thinking of anything beyond friendship. I knew where I stood.

But with Mr. Soul Mate Maybe? I have thoughts of having a relationship with him. The problem is, I don’t know what’s going on on his side. Maybe it’s a one-way street. Maybe I was just imagining the spark that I felt with him. Maybe it’s just me feeling that, and none whatsoever from his side. And all these despite the distance, the age difference, the cultural differences, marital status…everything.

It hurts. A lot.

A quote to end this post — I’ll always remember his gaze.

The best feeling in the world is to be millions of miles away and still be able to picture his eyes.

Have you ever? (Summary of My Dilemma)

Have You Ever?
By Brandy

[Chorus]
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can’t sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don’t come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You’d do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You’d give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don’t know what to say
And you don’t know where to start
[Chorus]

Have you ever found the one
You’ve dreamed of all of your life
Just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you’ve given your heart to
Only to find that one won’t give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
‘Coz baby I can’t sleep
[Chorus]

Mind over heart? Heart over mind?

What was the one experience that completely changed your life? What happened? How did it change your life?

I’m still in that experience. And that’s overturning my long-held belief that you only love one person at one time.

It made me truly get into the other person’s shoes – the other person here being those people who say they are torn between two lovers, as the song goes. I thought that was BS. Until it happened to me.

It’s almost a month since I last saw this man to whom I’ve unbelievably been strongly attracted. I’ve just known him for three days, and his impact on me is tremendous. He shook my core. That’s why I call him Mr. Soul Mate Maybe. I haven’t met anyone for a short time but with this much effect!

Is it wrong to hope to see him again, and to bring the experience to the next level? My mind says no, because I’d just be rocking the boat. I have a happy marriage. He’s married (happy or not, I don’t know. He seemed submissive to his wife’s wishes.) An almost spotless history of faithfulness. (I must admit I flirted with a No. 2 early in my marriage, but that was when I felt so unappreciated and hurt by my husband. But we’ve moved on since then.)

My heart says, this is a once in a lifetime experience. It’s not everyday that you come across someone that REALLY rocked your world. Chase him before you lose him. Life is short. We only live once. I don’t want to torture myself with “what ifs” when I grow old. Would it be too risky to just believe that if he’s meant for you, he’ll find his way back to you? Yeah, that concept of serendipity?

i really, really miss him. I hope he thinks of me, too.